The List
by papercut ai
Summary: Legendary Sannin as teens in their threeman squad. Jiraiya gets the team in trouble, so Sarutobi gives them his chore list of the day. Sillyness ensues. Oneshot as of now, but I'll think about continuing.


Alright, so this story is set in the teenage years of the Sannin…I love them. At times they might get a little OOC…I'm not really sure. ::sweatdrop:: Anyway, let me know what you think!

* * *

"Che, Sarutobi-sensei, it wasn't even my fault." Jiraiya growled as he teacher walked away calmly.

"Idiot." Orochimaru muttered crossing his arms and glaring at Jiraiya.

"It wasn't my fault!" Jiraiya shouted.

"If you would have kept your damn mouth shut, now you've gotten all of us in trouble." Tsunade glared at Jiraiya.

Jiraiya pouted, "Shut up, flatty." After which he received a chakra backed punch in the stomach from an irate Tsunade.

Orochimaru cleared his throat, getting his other two teammates' attention, "If we're going to have to do this, then let's do it now; this is a waste of my time."

Tsunade let go of Jiraiya's spiky hair and grumbled, "Fine."

Jiraiya got up from the ground, cursing. "What'd the pervert put on the list?"

Orochimaru pulled the slip of paper away from Tsunade, who growled, "I can read!"

Orochimaru raised an eyebrow at the blonde before he glanced over the scrap of paper Sarutobi-sensei had left them with.

"One," he read in a bored manner, "Ivory chopsticks."

"What the hell does he need those for?" Jiraiya moaned. This was so unfair.

Orochimaru ignored him, "Two, two cartons of milk. Three, five cups of instant ramen. Four, pick up laundry. Five, a hammer with a black handle. Hn, how annoying."

"The milk, ramen and laundry should be easy enough, the chopsticks are going to be a pain, and we can just paint the hammer black." Tsunade stated matter-of-factly.

"Ah, no go." Orochimaru smirked, "He states specifically that the handle must be made to be black, no paint. What an ass."

"And he expects us to pay for all of it?" Jiraiya asked angrily.

"I would assume so, as he didn't leave us any spending money." Orochimaru deadpanned; Jiraiya was such an idiot. This was not going to be a productive day.

"I call I pick up the laundry!" Jiraiya shouted, eager to get the easiest and least expensive job.

"I've got the ramen and milk." Orochimaru said quietly.

Tsunade looked back and forth between the two of them. "How come I can't get the ramen or the milk?"

"They're in the same place, dumbass!" Jiraiya mocked before Orochimaru could reply.

"I know that! But maybe Orochimaru-kun could use some help…" She looked at him hopefully.

"Yeah, because he can't carry a basket of six things!" Jiraiya replied sarcastically.

"Uhm…five and two are…nevermind." Orochimaru didn't really feel like correcting his teammate.

"You have to go buy the chopsticks!" Jiraiya crossed his arms smugly.

"Why can't you do that?"

"Because you're a girl, and ivory chopsticks are for girls!" Jiraiya replied.

"Che, then why does sensei want them?" Tsunade pursed her lips and raised a brow.

Jiraiya blinked, "You raise a valiant question Tsunade-chan, I shall now ponder this."

"Uhm…valiant isn't…nevermind." Orochimaru was sick of listening to them argue. He sighed and began to walk away. He got about three feet before he was caught by Jiraiya.

"Where do you think you're going? We still haven't decided who gets to get the hammer!"

"Why can't I get the hammer?" Tsunade shouted indignantly.

"Because you're a girl and you're getting the chopsticks!" Jiraiya replied like she was slow.

"Okay, idiot, you're getting the laundry. Tsuande, you're getting the chopsticks and I'm getting the groceries. We'll meet back here when we're finished and get the hammer together." Orochimaru stated calmly, even though on the inside he was burning with annoyance.

"Okay, Orochimaru-kun!" Tsunade smiled sweetly and left to go find some chopsticks.

"Watch who you're calling an idiot, bastard." Jiraiya muttered as he left.

This left Orochimaru by himself. "How do I get into these messes?" He muttered as he began his trek to retrieve the groceries.

--

With Jiraiya…

"Ha, ha, I totally lucked out, not only do I not have to pay for anything, I get the easiest job!" Jiraiya punched the air in triumph. "I just have to pick up the junk and wait for the other two to finish their job."

Jiraiya strolled casually into the laundry mat, smiling to himself. _'I wonder how Tsunade's gonna afford those chopsticks. Ha, especially after Orochimaru and I just cleaned her out in the poker game last weekend_.' He smiled at the old woman who was working behind the counter. "I'm here to pick up Sarutobi-sensei's stuff…"

"You just wait here young man, I'll be right back. It's so nice to be seeing the children helping out us old folks…"

Jiraiya twitched at being called a child, but smirked at the woman calling his sensei old.

"Here you go, here's all five bags, that'll be fifty-two ryo." The old woman smiled, her crooked teeth peeking out over her gums.

Jiraiya almost fell over, "F-f-fifty-two?"

"Yes, fifty-two, would you like to put it on your tab?" The woman smirked.

"NO, doesn't, doesn't my sensei have a tab?"

"No!" The woman was clearly enjoying herself.

"Uhm…put it on Orochimaru's tab."

"He won't mind?" The woman smiled again.

"Not at all." Jiraiya grimaced.

"Okey dokey! Fifty-two, onto little Orochi-chan's tab! Have a nice day!" Jiraiya darted out of there as quickly as he could.

"Shit." Jiraiya shuffled down the street, "Sarutobi really needs to do laundry more often than this…I bet it's his whole wardrobe!"

_'Orochimaru's going to _kill_ me_…'

-

With Orochimaru…

Orochimaru wandered silently into the grocery store. Orochimaru ignored the two female cashier's shy smiles and proceeded to the milk case.

"Two." Orochimaru picked up two cartons of milk, "Ok, noodles."

An old couple looked at the teen who talked to himself strangely, and Orochimaru ignored them as well. Orochimaru walked quickly to the noodle aisle.

"Damn." There were only four cups of instant ramen left. Some fool had come along and bought it all. Damn store putting things on sale…

Orochimaru picked up the four cups of ramen and balanced them precariously before he realized that he couldn't carry the ramen and the milk at the same time, at least not without looking silly. He set down the ramen cups and looked around the aisle carefully. There was a woman with a basket full of groceries who currently had her back to him and her basket. Orochimaru smirked.

He walked casually down the aisle and began to browse the shelf next to her. She seemed completely immersed in her task of deciphering what she had written on her list.

He squatted down to 'browse the lower shelf'. Orochimaru eyed her basket. She had a few cups of instant ramen. _'Score_.' He reached toward the basket, the woman didn't notice. He pulled it over to himself, the woman didn't look up. He dumped the contents onto the floor, still no response from the woman. He picked up one of the ramen cups, the basket, and darted back down the aisle. He threw the ramen from the shelf into his basket, grabbed the milk he had left on the floor and darted out of the aisle before the woman even knew what happened.

"Ku ku ku!" Orochimaru accidentally let some evil laughter slip out, and the same old couple that he had encountered by the milk shuffled past, giving him more queer looks.

Orochimaru quieted himself quickly and hurried to the checkout aisle, one without a desperate female cashier.

Orochimaru set his basket down for the creepy man behind the counter to add up. The man smiled at him shyly, his teeth were very small and pointy. "…" Orochimaru was not amused.

The man looked away from him and began to add up his purchases. "12 ryo."

Orochimaru dug into his pocket, he counted up the spare money he had, "Damn."

"How much do you have?" The man, whose nametag read Ayoi, asked quietly.

"I only have ten." Orochimaru replied tiredly.

Ayoi looked around, "It's on me, babe." Orochimaru shuddered inwardly, but accepted, he couldn't turn the man down.

"Thank you." Orochimaru grabbed the bag with the groceries and was about to leave when something grabbed his arm.

"Wait, uhm…here." Ayoi pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to Orochimaru. Orochimaru blinked. '_This is not my day_.'

He practically ran out of the grocery store and to the meeting place. No one was to ever know he stole an old woman's basket and ramen, or that he had been hit on by a creepy pointy teethed cashier.

-

With Tsunade…

"Damn it! Those two assholes, couldn't let me have an easy job. Che, just 'cause I'm a girl doesn't mean I have to do girly things!" Tsunade raged down the street. Everyone that had been walking on her side of the street moved to the other side.

Several people had stopped to stare. "_What are you looking at, asshole_!" Tsunade growled. They moved on, averting their eyes from the furious blonde. Children began to cry.

Five threats, six crying children, and one crumbling wall later, Tsunade reached her destination, the pawn shop. She had decided that this was the only place where she would find a pair of ivory chopsticks that she could afford. It wasn't her fault she was broke; it was those damn teammates of hers that always cheated at poker.

She walked into the small building and a bell chimed. The shop keeper looked up from his book and smiled, "How can I help you?"

"You wouldn't by any chance happen to have a pair of ivory chopsticks?" Tsunade tried not to get her hopes up.

"I think I do, barely used, let me go check in the back." He set down his book, marking the page, and left her to look around the shop by herself.

Tsunade wandered around the store twice before the man came back. "Here we go, fine work, and I can give it to you at a cheap price!"

"That's fantastic, how much?" Tsunade smiled at her good fortune.

"32 ryo." The man smiled, sticking out his hand.

"Th-thirty-two is a _cheap_ price?" Tsunade grumbled, reaching into her pocket. "Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen…sixteen. I only have sixteen, mister."

"Sixteen is not enough, but I will go to twenty." He pulled the chopsticks out of her reach.

"_I said I only have sixteen_." She glowered at the man; gripping the counter edge, it shuddered beneath her grip. The man shivered.

"Okay!! Sixteen…actually, actually…uh, sixteen is actually too much for them, how is six!?" The man asked her in a high pitched voice.

"Six sounds good." Tsunade released the counter and handed the man six ryo. "Thank you it was a pleasure doing business with you." She smiled and exited the store.

The man got up and put the closed sign up. "Miserable hag." He muttered.

-

The three were lucky enough to reunite after depositing all of their items, at the EXACT SAME TIME!

"Now we have to go to the hardware store." Orochimaru said before Tsunade and Jiraiya could start fighting again.

Both of his teammates looked at him oddly before shaking their heads and chuckling.

"What?" Orochimaru looked back and forth between the two confusedly.

"You, your face." Jiraiya smirked.

"What's wrong with my face?" Orochimaru growled.

"It's pink. You're _blushing_!" Jiraiya guffawed, "Were you scamming on a babe?"

Orochimaru twitched, "I was not 'scamming' on a girl!" '_Of all the dumb things Jiraiya could say_.' Orochimaru thought.

Tsunade whistled. Jiraiya smirked and coiled an arm around his friend, "Oro-chan I didn't know you were like that."

Orochimaru shrugged himself out of Jiraiya's grasp, "I don't know what you're talking about, idiot, and don't call me that." Orochimaru's face became redder.

Tsunade smiled mischievously, "Orochimaru-kun, let's go before Jiraiya gets us into more trouble." She snaked her arm around him and pulled him along. Orochimaru visibly shuddered and twisted out of her grip.

Tsunade caught Jiraiya's eye, and they both held in laughter. Orochimaru was walking away hurriedly, visibly flustered.

"Oro-channn!" Jiraiya called.

"I am not going to respond to that!" Orochimaru shouted back.

"But Oro-chan, the hardware store is _this_ way." Jiraiya simpered.

Orochimaru froze. "Damn it." He slumped and turned around to face his teammates, his face burning.

Jiraiya and Tsunade chatted happily while Orochimaru shuffled silently behind them.

"Hardware store, here we go." Orochimaru muttered under his breath. This was going to end badly, he just knew it.

The trio wandered into the store and looked around. "No directory." Tsunade stated.

"Well, let the adventure begin." Jiraiya smirked, this was going to be fun. "Let's start in aisle 1, shall we?" He didn't wait for an answer before he marched ahead, pulling the other two behind him.

"Aisle One, light bulbs, ceiling fans, and the like…how boring." Jiraiya muttered. He walked over to the light switch panel, for testing the settings. "Hey Tsunade, do I turn you on?" Jiraiya licked his lips and flipped the switch, a large light shuddered on.

"No." Tsunade rolled her eyes, how immature could you get?

Jiraiya frowned but let it go. "How 'bout you, Oro-channn?" Jiraiya purred.

Orochimaru stopped fiddling with ceiling fan chains to turn to Jiraiya, who proceeded to wink. Orochimaru dropped what he was holding and darted out of the aisle.

Jiraiya and Tsunade hurried after him, this was going to be very fun.

"Aisle two, wood." Jiraiya smirked. Orochimaru was leaning against a shelf, looking nervous.

"Wow, Oro-chan, look at all this wood…it's nice and long." Jiraiya pulled a plank off the shelf. "And it's hard…so it won't break under pressure." Jiraiya held it out to his teammate.

"Touch it!" Jiraiya smirked at Orochimaru's squeak.

"Hey, Orochimaru-kun, check out this pipe!" Tsunade had returned from another aisle.

Orochimaru's golden eyes darted back and forth between his teammates. "_Why me_?" He wondered.

Jiraiya pulled the pipe out of Tsunade's grasp, and let it flop to the floor. He held one end and tried to lift it from only that side. "Oro-channnnn," Jiraiya smiled, "I can't lift it up, help?"

Orochimaru was now a brilliant shade of magenta, and he was holding his face. "Forget you guys."

"Oh, come on, we're only having fun!" Tsunade whined. "We'll just get the hammer and leave, we promise!"

Orochimaru looked at his teammates and sighed heavily. "Fine."

Tsunade lead the way out of the wood aisle, Orochimaru next, and Jiraiya bringing up the rear, his fingers crossed behind his back.

Tsunade looked around the store and spotted what they were looking for. She grabbed Orochimaru's arm and pulled him to a large hammer display. Neither of them noticed that Jiraiya had snuck off.

"Which one do we get?" Tsunade asked Orochimaru.

"Which one's the cheapest?" He replied.

Tsunade pointed to the display, "Same."

"Uh…" Orochimaru stated eloquently.

"It's easier to nail something with a big hammer." Jiraiya voiced, and both Tsunade and Orochimaru jumped.

"Wha-?" Tsunade raised an eyebrow.

"We're getting the big one." Jiraiya reached out to grab the largest sized hammer.

"Oro-chan, will you hold my hose?" Jiraiya shoved a coiled up shower hose into Orochimaru's chest and grabbed the hammer.

Tsunade sweatdropped. "Actually, Oro-chan I think you should hold the hammer." Jiraiya cocked his head.

"W-why is that?" Orochimaru asked hesitantly trading items with Jiraiya.

"Well, you should have the hammer, because you're bangin'." Jiraiya crowed as Orochimaru turned red threw the hammer at him. Jiraiya caught it with his face.

Orochimaru went to leave, but Tsunade caught his arm. "No way are you leaving me with _him_." She whispered, as Jiraiya laughed raucously.

Orochimaru glared at her, but her grip didn't slacken. He gave her his best, 'One-day-I'm-going-to-kill-you-glare' but nothing happened. "Damn."

Jiraiya had skipped happily off to the counter, face black and blue from hammer impact.

Orochimaru and Tsunade grudgingly followed him.

"Wow, look at all the little wrenches on the display rack!" Jiraiya whispered to Tsunade nonchalantly. "They sure hold a lot."

Tsunade glared at him. "If you had a rack like this, I'm sure you'd—" Tsunade grabbed him by the throat.

"Shut up and pay for the damn hammer." She snarled.

"Alright, alright!" Jiraiya gasped. He paid for the hammers and the trio was on their way to meet their sensei.

-

"Now, what did you all learn today?" Sarutobi asked his students.

"I learned that no matter how much I would like to see Jiraiya get his face boxed in by a Tsunade, I should stop them from killing each other." Orochimaru said in a monotone.

"I learned that no matter how much Jiraiya pisses me off I shouldn't try to kill him anywhere in a fifty foot radius of your house." Tsunade mumbled.

"Che, _I_ learned that Orochimaru is—" Jiraiya began but he was cut off.

"Shut up! Alright, I'm gay, I like boys, but _shut _UP!" Orochimaru cried turning red.

The old couple from the grocery store paused in the middle of the street, a look of horror on their faces. Orochimaru burned with humiliation.

Jiraiya looked at Orochimaru with a smile on his face, "Actually I was going to say that I learned Orochimaru is not a fan of the hardware store, but I suppose I learned _that_ now too."

Sarutobi looked at his students, "That wasn't quite the message I was trying to get across, but…it was a start." He sighed. "You all can go home now."

Even after his sensei and teammates left, Orochimaru stood in the middle of the park, wallowing in his own misery. "I hate Konoha."

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Reviews are very much appreciated!! Thanks!


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